I applied with another question, but everything is the same, and a couple of months have passed. The fact is that he does not pay attention to me, we live together, we have normal relations with his mother (she also lives with us) He practically does not approach me, he is cold, I ask him "do you love me?" he is sometimes silent, says I don’t know, and sometimes says “If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t be here anymore,” but recently asked again, he answered yes. I went to his VKontakte page where he had likes on the records that I don’t feel anything for anyone, no love, no affection, etc. Somehow I recently told him that we were breaking up, to which he answered me “do as you know” ... I am also a psychologist to some extent, I understand people, but I need professionals, then they gave me answers to that link, and they helped me. for some time. But the problem doesn't go away. I tried to talk to him, solve the problem, but he doesn’t see this as a problem and leaves the conversation, I understand that you need to talk and always discuss the problem and look for ways out, but I can’t force him, I want to try in a month when he’s on vacation will come and let some time pass so as not to torment him. I also remember we talked for a long time on this topic, he said that he was afraid to open up to someone again, he was afraid that they would leave him again and he couldn’t yet, I think that these are all excuses, enough time has passed since that moment, he sees that no one loved him like that much like me, I really want to save this union. I can’t live normally, I lost weight, my mood depends only on him, it’s terrible. I ask for your help.
I probably still have to point out my shortcomings: I think I'm tired of him, he sees that I won't get away from him, I won't leave him, and he probably uses it.
My shortcoming is this: I love him too much, I follow him everywhere with a ponytail, even his relatives once told me (Name), stop following him with a ponytail, you should, on the contrary, show your coldness to some extent.
But I can not. I am attached, I seem to be obsessed with him. I fell in love a second time. After parting with my first love, I could not meet with anyone at all, everyone annoyed me, I left them after a week, and then I fell in love. I can say with confidence, I LOVED it. Although he is far from being handsome, he is also a dystrophic, but for me he is the best and most beautiful. Many of my friends don't understand how I could get along with him. I'm 20, he's 26. At the same time, I won't call him an adult)) These are just numbers. I apologize for insulting him. Just to be clear.
Addition of the author from 08/25/17 23:22:18
Yes, you are right) I control him, read correspondence, watch what he likes, watch who he calls, but I try to do it when he does not see it, I am afraid of betrayal, that he will leave, that the end will come.
Psychologist consultations - love relationship, sexual problems, friendships, choice of partner, etc. etc. The themes of love, sex and friendship are invariably present in the life of every person, but people are not always able to sort out their personal lives on their own. Especially if love relationships, difficulties in relationships with a partner are closely intertwined with intrapersonal problems on both sides, overgrown with secondary benefits and various life circumstances. In such cases, it is better to seek help from a qualified outside specialist who can help you understand your situation.
You can ask a psychologist a question, or read the archive of questions and answers. Perhaps someone has already had similar problems and in the answers of psychologists you will find something useful for yourself.
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Amir: (24.12.2010)
Hello! Help with advice, I'm confused .. I'm 24 years old. A year ago I started dating a girl. This is my first relationship, so I initially treated it as temporary, as an experience. Now, when we came to renting an apartment, I began to wonder if I was ready to stop at this person, when there is nothing to compare with, I myself am faithful and do not assume betrayal, so I began to comprehend. I realized that I see cohabitation as temporary. The move turned into a complete torment. I tried to persuade, then doubted, canceled the decision and then again urged me to come together. As a result, she could not stand my indecision, realized that I was not serious and offered, if not to leave (because she loves very much), then at least switch to a semi-free relationship. I no longer know whether I love her or just appreciate and become attached, but I still yearn. I understand that we are very suitable for each other. We have a lot in common: views, interests. She is beautiful, slim, smart, without financial requests, faithful. In general, it may be my ideal. I used to worry that there was no other experience, and I would not be able to give myself completely to this relationship. But now, against the backdrop of a gap, thinking why look for it, because you might have already found it. But now the feelings have faded. What to do, all the same, give another chance to our relationship and move in and start treating her as her only one or let go of this relationship for now, test your feelings with time? Why do I not feel love, maybe because I did not initially see my destiny in her, and if I approach her with a new look, then feelings will appear? I just don’t want to lose a person with such good qualities, who suits me a lot, who loves me very much, maybe I won’t find such a close person anymore?
Expert answer:
Hello Amir!
It can be seen from your story that you really haven't made up your mind yet, you have too many doubts, too many "maybe". You write "Why do I not feel love, maybe because I did not initially see my fate in it ...". In such a situation, you are probably right, it is still better to take a break in order to clarify something for yourself. You see, so far only logic and calculation speak in your words - “beautiful, slim, smart, without financial requests”, etc. And then you live with a person, and if there are no feelings, then, believe me, nothing good will come of it. Moreover, your girlfriend, apparently understanding this, gives you time for you to decide for yourself. In such matters, the main thing is not to rush, if there is love, then time is not subject to it, and if not, then nothing will appear, so what's the point in torturing each other? I sincerely wish you happiness!
Sincerely, Mikhail Petrov
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 years. For a year everything was fine, but basically the initiative came from me. I was the first to contact the Internet. He immediately supported the communication, he offered to meet. He is a shy guy, he almost never met girls. He was 25 years old, he had his only girlfriend at the age of 22, he met with her for six months, according to him, he ran away himself, because. I was afraid that I would not be able to develop relations further. It so happened that I am an active person, I took almost the entire initiative. She called him more often, always supported him in everything. We walked for a long time, he introduced me to all his relatives and friends, everyone was happy for him. It was a little difficult for him to come to our house, but then he got used to it and came more often. We spent most of our time at his house. His parents consider me theirs, I will always help in everything, I always came with gifts for his younger brother. I studied, came for the weekend, we spent them together. We were invited together to all my and his relatives. In the spring, I received a distribution to a village 150 km from home, I was there in practice, he came, he liked everything, he could find a job there, apartments were cheap, we even discussed it. He talked about raising money for the wedding. And then it got worse ... His dream was a car, all the talk about it. He began to write less often and enjoy meetings less. He stopped talking about leaving with me. He said that everything would be decided in the summer, and when I finished my studies, everything became even worse. Meetings became more rare and dry. His mother started talking about the wedding and then abruptly stopped talking about it, he is also silent. In the house, his relationship between his parents is bad, his father lies on the couch, and his mother by herself, often runs to her girlfriends and drinks, because of this, neither her husband nor her children respect her. His sister - 24 years old - is reserved and arrogant, during these 1.5 years of acquaintance she only greets me, or passes something on to me through her brother. My boyfriend says that as an elder he has never seen love in the family, that's why he is so reserved. But the first year of the relationship changed him a lot. If before that he did not recognize physical intimacy, then later he liked it, there were kisses and hugs, there was rare sex. I studied in the city - 50 km from our village, often offered him to come to me for the weekend, to be alone in the apartment, to go somewhere. A couple of times he came after much persuasion, but reluctantly, the next day he rushed home in the morning, saying that he somehow felt uneasy. And since the summer, our relationship has become even drier. Kissing and hugging is generally rare, the desire to be alone is also rare, he almost stopped calling, became more irritable, stopped talking about the future. I also began to wait for his initiative, but there is almost none. I am offended for his inattention, but he is silent or offended that I reproach him. He does not come for several days, and then he says that I could come myself, as happened before. At a meeting, he will not hug, at parting, he will shake hands and that's it. He says that before I could kiss him myself. He doesn't say he's bored. No emotions, he says that he is. I bought a car, it was here that the emotions were the sea and the sea devotes time to it. I was very burned, now I have cooled down because of his coldness, I do not show initiative, and he practically does too. I want love, care, attention. His mother says that his grandfather and father are like that. Grandmother says that she has been unloved all her life. I told him that if he doesn't need me, let's break up, he blames me for everything. Sad and embarrassing. He issued insurance for his car for me when I need it, he gives it when I or my parents ask for help, he will always come and help, but he won’t guess. He has my photos on ICQ on the Internet. But I didn’t see joy when I managed to get a job in our village, with such difficulty I terminated the contract concluded in another city ... I didn’t see joy, it was so insulting. And now I'm saying this ... I need it ... But I don't see and don't feel his love, all meetings seem to be for show.
Hope, Kazakhstan, 21 years old / 14.09.16
Opinions of our experts
Alyona
Nadia, I understood the story, but I did not understand the question. Apparently, because everything is more than obvious. This guy won't strain for you. He did not spend any effort to “win” you, you are an easy and therefore not very valuable “prey”. Not even prey, but, sorry for the comparison, pasture. There was no spark in the eyes, no excitement, no interest or desire. You offered yourself, you took the initiative, you yourself led the relationship. And now she suddenly wanted to feel weak and desirable. Why would suddenly? It's just like in jokes about feminists. If in your couple a man has always been a non-initiative plankton, if he was never particularly interested in all this, and he would not develop relationships at all if you hadn’t shown any effort, then why are you suddenly now demanding that he become different? Either continue to love what you picked up, or finally admit that this "real estate" is not worth your "investment", neither emotional, nor intellectual, nor otherwise. She broke the contract - well, stupid. For who and what? You are 21 years old. Do you need to get married soon? For what purpose? In life, playing a man in a relationship with someone who cares about cars and comfort so much more than you that even sex with you is not a motivation to change something? Stop spoiling your life already, renew the contract and forget about the one to whom you didn’t give up for nothing.
Sergey
Hope, I personally believe that every person, upon reaching adulthood, is free to spoil his life as he pleases. Therefore, if you really want to spend time trying to bring up something more or less digestible from this comrade, then for God's sake, have fun. In the end, I even understand your interest. You are a young, passionate girl, and here is such a non-trivial task. Yes, and it's nice to feel like the main one in a relationship with an older guy, to drag him like a little one, to teach. A kind of game of a big living doll. However, I do not advise you to get too carried away. Judging by what you write, the young man is rather reserved, poorly socialized and very infantile. You can spend your whole life on reworking such a “frame”, and you won’t achieve anything. Yes, and children with such a dad should be somehow scary. Although, of course, to each his own. But is it worth spending your life on something you don't understand? The world is big, and there are a huge number of normal people in it, looking for their soul mate. It is quite possible that someone is looking for you while you amuse your maternal instinct with an overgrown undergrowth. Aren't you ashamed of the fact that you are robbing him and yourself, reducing the time of your joint happiness? No, I understand that you kind of feel responsible. I admit that the feeling of guilt and pity is pressing on the conscience. But life is not rubber. And sooner or later, you will definitely think about why you spent so much time on an empty doll game. In my opinion, you should wish your friend all the best as soon as possible and start studying, looking for a job and truly your man. But of course it's up to you to decide. Each of us is the master of our own problems.
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I often hear from my clients:I don't feel love for my parents. Either there is a void. Or irritation.I do not feel warmth, kinship, gratitude, etc. I call or come to them, because it is NECESSARY. Not because I want to.
And then, with horror and fear: you know, sometimes I have terrible thoughts ... sometimes I think that when my parents are gone, I would feel / feel some relief.
And after these words, a person often freezes, as if expecting that universal wrath and a terrible divine punishment will now fall on him.
This is the moment when we come face to face with guilt. Not a simple fault. The fault is very deep. Archetypal.
A guilt that binds children and parents with incredibly strong and suffocating bonds. Displacing from this connection Love, Support, the feeling that you have something to rely on and a sense of belonging, belonging. Very important experiences, without which we feel like a lonely speck of dust in a huge indifferent cold cosmos.
Then I ask: what exactly in your relationship with your parents would you like to be freed from? If the parents left, what would go away?
If you have similar experiences, ask yourself these questions right now.
One way or another, associations will lead you to feelings of guilt.
Feelings of guilt can hide under irritation.
For example:
- it annoys me that my mother is constantly complaining / unhappy
- why does it annoy you?
- because ... I don’t know .. all the people who complain and whine annoy me ..
What is it about?
The fact that you "connect" to such people.
When a person “whines and complains” he is in the role of the Victim. And there is no Victim without an Aggressor.
So you take the empty role of the Aggressor. To then, with a high probability, feel guilty for his “attack”.
And the entrance to the Victim-Aggressor-Rescuer triangle always occurs through guilt.
Behind your irritation in this situation is actually guilt. You seem to have to make everyone (read parents) happy. And if someone (read mom) is unhappy, then what does it mean? it means you are at fault.
That's the "logic".
And this feeling of guilt does not allow you to feel love for your parents. And to see the good in parents (which means taking their resource).Because then it’s as if I’ll completely owe / owe them everything.
If I have “bad” parents, then I have at least some justification, albeit weak, but still arguments against the incessant attacks of the Guilt Monster.
In this case, I suggest doing this exercise.
It is best to do it before bed. 3-5 minutes, every day.
Take a few minutes to feel and relax your body.
Imagine what it's like if you don't owe your parents anything?
What is this state?
How is it experienced in the body?
How does your feelings towards your parents change then?
How are your thoughts changing?
What do you start thinking about then? What to feel? What to feel in the body?
What is it like to love someone and feel love for yourself and still be free?
Your task is to capture this state. And then fix it.
So that you can turn it on consciously.
You will see what great results it will bring you. Guilt takes a lot of energy. And deprives you of a “healthy” connection with the parents within you. This means that it cuts you off from the resource that you could take from there.
If you want to work deeper with the topic of relationships with parents, I recommend you the course "Beloved Me! 2.0". There I give a lot of very effective techniques that can really transform your relationship with your mother. And that means, without exaggeration, to change your destiny.
From a purely psychological point of view. It is necessary to look at the reasons for the “closure” and learn to be liberated, maybe yes. But in the first place, there may be heaps of other purely psychological moments, for example, a bad example of the relationship between a father and mother - if there was cruelty or indifference between them, frequent quarrels. So physiological. Endogenous depression of the apathetic spectrum can be not only a consequence of a long absence of relationships, but also the cause of such a lack. That is, depression can be pirvichnoy. Similarly, comorbid ADD/H can make a person less receptive to romantic love. It just sounds like ADD/H from your personality description. Moreover, you are a creative person as you write. This is one field of berries. With depersonalization-derealization, as a result of psychotrauma, there may also be coldness, but you don’t seem to be completely indifferent. Yes, and they would rather complain about the DR / DP syndrome itself, it is difficult not to notice it. It can also be a component of atypical depression and apathetic-melancholic such insensitivity to love but participation in the problems of others. Here, once a person empathizes well with other people's sorrows, but it is difficult to rejoice yourself. In addition, hypothyroidism and, as a consequence, chronic fatigue syndrome can pretty much dampen emotions. It can itself cause depression or intensify it if there is already a basis. Deficiencies in nutrients such as iron can reduce the level of dopamine (yes, iron directly in the central nervous system helps to form a dopamine molecule), and he is responsible, as everyone knows, for pleasure. In addition to it, you can also try to take acetylated tyrosine if you don’t have contraindications (n - acetyl tyrosine) and you need zinc and vitz and magnesium and chromium and calcium and b6, b9. DL phenylalanine to produce phenethylamine (PEA) and the same dopamine (DA) if there is little tyrosine. Maybe something else is wrong with the production of oxytocin. He is also responsible for attachment (more precisely, in the first place). There may be mutations in dop receptor genes or simply overstimulation of them by dopamine (drugs, sex, games, etc.). Maybe, of course, you are simply more beautiful and smarter than the average person, and few people “hold out” to you. Here, as they say, "a girl from high society, it is difficult to avoid loneliness." Maybe, on the contrary, you overestimate the requirements too much, then you already need to work with pride and understand how self-esteem is built in dynamics. Boris Litvak has a book “Seven Steps to Stable Self-Esteem”, where in a number of chapters the topic is well disclosed why we are “disappointed” as we recognize the pariner, how this is related to social status and self-esteem. Phew, I think that's enough for now. I often encounter this myself. Not to have a pleasant relationship “like everyone else” is, of course, a shame, but remember that someone else's lawn is greener and there are “hells like” these “everyone” too. External idyll is often deceptive. People often play in public. I would like to recall the classic “In order to live life with dignity, you need to know a lot. Remember these two rules, my friend, to begin with: you'd rather be hungry than eat anything, and better be alone than with anyone. I recently went through a period of about 4 years without a relationship. Just tired of "falling out of love" just like you constantly. I just scored on it and nothing alive. Now I have become wiser. I do NOT strive to tear the ends right away if I do not feel a storm of emotions. It was said by someone that at a more mature age, it often happens that relationships flare up more slowly, but more stable. It might work. I also try to understand my own imperfections and my imperfections. Our pickiness is usually asymmetrical. We can not see the beam in our own eyes and at the same time look for the ideal. The cons of the partner are annoying, and the pluses are taken for granted. There is a parable about an old man who was looking for the perfect woman, but never married, because she was looking for the perfect man. poof